Because you feel bad ...

I am in awe of this statement.

At first glance it may seem to fly in the face of the basic laws of living: getting better, feeling better or being better – these ideas were certainly part of the fabric of my upbringing. They seem like natural and desirable aspirations. Yet here you are being asked to let go of the ‘better’ paradigm. In effect, you have to let go of trying to feel better to ultimately feel better.

There is good science behind this. When we suffer, for example when we experience harsh criticism, either from other people or from ourselves, the body’s primitive threat response is triggered. The threat response will be triggered more readily if, in childhood, you didn’t receive the love and care that was your innate expectation and need. The threat response becomes your default reaction to the slightest stress. When the threat response is triggered, the nervous system gets ready for fight, flight or freeze. In this state, your efforts to ‘fix’ things signal to the nervous system that something is wrong, further stoking the threat response cycle.

What you need to do instead is shift gear. If you can align your conscious awareness to your inner experience, with an attitude of caring presence, the impacts of trauma, neglect, and shame, locked in the nervous system, will settle, and gradually dissipate.

At the same time, you can’t just throw self-compassion at yourself as a way to make pain go away. If you do, you’re engaging in a hidden form of resistance that will ultimately make things worse. Self-compassion is not a form of positive thinking that somehow seeks to replace negativity or deny its existence. Instead, it holds the negative with acceptance and caring. allowing you to open to the full spectrum of your unfolding, ever-changing life with authenticity. Deep healing can happen.